Driver

 

Earlier tonight a friend started overstating how pioneering and important I was in terms of blogging/internet presence when we were teenagers.

 In 2008 someone on a French language video games forum seems to have used my old website to demonstrate who Taka Michinoku was. So my efforts didn't go totally to waste.

Recent Popular Racism

"Calling a white girl Becky is just as racist as calling a black girl...."
"Shaniqua?"
"Yes"
"I don't think it is, but Rebecca is a Jewish name, so Beyonce is actually a bigger nazi than Ken Livingstone"

---

"This has rascist undertones"
"It shouldn't have racist undertones but it really does"
 "Anything can have racist undertones if you say it a certain way. Something like this is only racist if you make it a race thing tbh."
"The Racist Undertones' song Teenage Curbstomps was never as popular as its non-racist counterpart."

Bands That Defintiely Already Exist

Every so often I think of or hear a phrase and think "a band has definitely already taken that as their name", or in some cases "a bunch of people have probably formed a band just so they could call themselves that". With that in mind, let's wack a few of em into Google.

The Kansas City Faggots [LINK]
They use this sample from Blazing Saddles as the inspiration for their name and the intro to Tan Yer Hide. There's been much talk of late of a Western with a black main character. Let us not forget this fine example which came long before Mr Tarantino single handed raised the issue of slavery into an international dialogue which eventually led to freedom for all mankind. I quite like TKCF. Garagey rock'n'rolly punk from Texas.


Urethra Franklin [LINK1]
I searched this name and prepared myself to find a hilariously offensive metal band, I'd failed to consider the obvious notion that they'd be a Blink-esque pop punk band. The song with the video, Hide the Bottle, is a bit like Blink-182 or Alkaline Trio if the bass players in those bands got way too excited and the drummers were fucking obsessed with their double-bass pedal. None of the above is critical in any way. I fucking love pop punk and ridiculous kick drums. On the other hand their bio starts with the following: "Formed in Wildwood, New Jersey, this 3-piece alt-punk outfit has pushed the boundaries of not only band names, but what people consider "Punk"." which would be fine if they were 13 and didn't know any better, but by now they should be less twatty. I skimmed over the rest of the bio and had to stop reading before it ruined their music and hilarious name for me forever.

There are about 50 other bands called Urethra Franklin. Here's one, who have a Bio that's just as silly. You can forgive them for their mock-epic indulgence though because they're obviously taking things less seriously, and the first song sounds a bit like if all Bomb The Music Industry!'s songs were about nonsense and cocks and shit, which is something I haven't heard before at least. Also they haven't used Myspace since 2009. Sensible.

This Urethra Franklin are a 3rd rate CpH without any of the fun. Don't even bother.

And then finally I find what I originally thought I would, and this Urethra Franklin are clearly the most fucking awesome of all. That'll do.

The Planet Pluto [LINK]
Either: "We need a name that's mildly retro and cool but also kind of nerdy and inherently sorrowful in a cosmic way; 'a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it'" or "We chose this name before the planet was downgraded and now we are pissed off". This band sound like they're gonna be alright every so often, but then you realise they're not very good at all. I feel like most of the riffs in A Stellar Death are entirely lifted from something else, but I can't think what. It sounds a bit like if U2 were more into grunge. If that's the kind of thing you're into then this band are for you, but it also means you're a twat.


Ghostwolves / The Ghost Wolves [LINK]
Mitch Clem of NN2S made a joke of the name Ghostwolves which involved it making his punk band immediately more popular for various reasons. The Ghost Wolves are the kind of band I'd probably love to see in a pub.

Bene Gesserit [LINK]
Seeing as there's a hardcore band called Shai Hulud it only stands to reason there'd be other Dune names out there. From what I bothered to gather, they're some kind of minimal electro outfit from Belgium. I'm not going to listen to any of their music, because even if I don't hate it as much as I assume I will, it's definitely not gonna top the excellent design of their website. Makes me miss Geocities.

Rugmuncher [LINK]
More fantastic band bio literature that I'll never tire of reading: "Rugmuncher is a darker shadow of its earlier self, EVOLUTION REVOLT. WashClorox and Phlag Burner decided to show everyone what real rebellion is. What real danger is. November 2007 spawned this noise that will make sure you know that they are on the stage.Why this name? There were various changes... BLACK COFFEE was the original name.. But the song "RUGMUNCHER" was written and the name was more suited for the dirty attitude of the band. Do you play live? Not yet. Fear is a big factor." They seem young though, or probably were in 2007, so it's not really fair to take the piss out of someone's band from over 5 years ago.

Gobstopper [LINK]
Searched for on the basis of "there's probably a band called this even if they're just a fan of the sweets, if not as a conscious Jawbreaker reference". Leatherfacey. Songs sound all different. 2 of them are shit.

Where do you keep your Bibles?

I keep my Bibles in descending size order on the shelf directly behind me.

 

There's the New Revised Standard Version from graduating sixth form. Then the Good News Bible we learned from in Junior School. Then there's three King James versions in a row, the largest being an exquisite leatherbound affair perfumed with the aroma of aged paper. The first page of this one bears a calligraphy'd note telling me that somone won it (as 1st prize) for some reason at a Sunday school, Christmas 1889. The 2nd KJV, the fancy white one, was given to me almost 100 years later at my christening, November 1987. The 3rd KJV has a big wooden outer cover featuring two compartments claiming to hold 'Holy Earth' (front) and 'Jordan Water' (back) from Nazareth and Nazaret respectively. I'm not even sure if those are meaningful terms to any Christian, cos it sure sounds like relic-esque bullshit. Nor do i know why they've varied the spelling of Nazareth. What i do know is that Faye is a sucker for selling it to me for £2.50. The smallest one is just The Soldier's Testament and the Book of Psalms, given to my mum in 1964.

 

The Bibles above have been kept either side of a book on Satanism in a big black sack full of books. There was also at least one other Bible in there, plus some books on Norse myths and Jewish folklore etc.

 

This is the scene that inspired this post in the first place. I replaced the hinges on my grandad's bedroom door a couple of weeks ago cos they were broken. That's when i found out where he keeps his Bibles: on his bedside table, next to and underneath his SPEED GARAGE ANTHEMS IN IBIZA double cassette compilation. As if that weren't enough, here's the entire Amazon UK Product Description for the more recent work of fiction at the top of the photo: "The streets of Philadelphia are blistering in the summer heat, the homicide rate is soaring and the nights belong to the mad. Detectives Kevin Byrne and Jessica Balzano are prowling the streets with a growing sense of unease. Where next will evil rear its ugly head? When a series of seemingly unrelated crimes shatter the restless silence of the city, their worst fears are confirmed. A beautiful secretary is slashed to death in a grimy motel shower. A street hustler brutally murdered with a chainsaw. Piece by piece, a strange and sickening puzzle presents itself: someone is meticulously recreating Hollywood's most well-known and horrifying murder scenes, capturing them on film and inserting the clips into videos - for an unsuspecting public to find. While Kevin Byrne begins furtive investigations of his own, Jessica Balzano goes undercover to work the steaming back alleys of Philadelphia, entering a violent world of underground film, pornography and seedy nightclubs, hidden to all but the initiated. Discovering that none of The Actor's victims are as innocent as they appear to be, the two detectives arrive at a terrifying reality: they are not just chasing a homicide suspect. They are stalking evil itself... ". I was gonna just quote a small section of that at first, but it's all so good.

Slayer keep their Bible in a pool of blood, so none of its lies can affect them. [c.1m34s]

Of course if you're that paranoid about religious indoctrination it begs the question of why you'd own a Bible in the first place.

Some dude from Gospel Gangsterz keeps his Bible in his khaki. He's trigger-happy despite this holy guidance.

So am I to understand that you want me to shit in the bin?